Threnody for Upward Bound

SLU Says, "Sorry, Toots-- Not Anymore."

[Editor's Note: The following is a poem written by an Upward Bound student about her experience in the SLU Upward Bound program. It is currently displayed on SLU's Upward Bound website as an example of past student work. Recently, SLU, apparently in the service of Mammon, canceled the program and passed it off to the already underfunded SUNY Canton, a move that will surely weaken the program as well as decrease the likelihood of lower-class North Country teenagers ever applying to a private University like SLU. We at TBOC! would like to say, "Thank you for everything, SLU."]

One world.
One school.
One group of friends.
One lost girl.
One missing identity.
One summer changed it all.
One change and my world is upside down.
One new life.
Many new directions to turn.
Many new people to know.
Many new friends.
Many new changes and things to do.
One new positive outlook.
One new person.
One found me.
Thank you for everything.

Anonymous Upward Bound Student, 2003

SLU Takes Back Its Campus-- From Poor Children

As most of our readers know, SLU recently cut funding for Upward Bound and the program will be forced to move its headquarters to SUNY Canton in the early Spring.

Why? The cash-strapped University may have been seeking to cut costs to provide greater services to its students. But according to this SLU press release "[f]unding from the U.S. education department covers approximately 92 percent of the program's costs, with the balance coming from institutional funds, New York State and the United States Department of Agriculture."

In plain English, Upward Bound cost the University virtually no money to run. So why the shift?

In a memo (issued in tandem with SUNY Canton President Joseph Kennedy), SLU President Dan Sullivan stated, "SUNY Canton is positioned extremely well to serve the Upward Bound Program, given its thoughtful and comprehensive services in remediation and its experience in the New York State version of this program, Liberty Partnership."

[One quick grammatical note for Sully and Jo-Jo-- the phrase "given its thoughtful and comprehensive services..." refers, in your statement, to the "Upward Bound Program" (its actual name is simply "Upward Bound"-- you don't have to capitalize "Program") rather than your intended institution, SUNY Canton. Read Take Back Our Campus! every day and learn a little something about the English language, kiddos.]

The word "remediation" is very curious. The word itself is a fairly recent invention, business jargon normally used when a corporation is forced to repair ecological damage caused by unlawful practices-- perhaps, in this case, the capitalist repression of education for the poor. The root is from "remedial"-- "concerned with the correction of faulty study habits." About both notions SLU freely (and sadly) admits it no longer cares and that a poorly funded SUNY college will better provide the service.

The Upward Bound program is (in the words of the frontispiece to SLU's Upward Bound page) "designed to generate in participants the skills and motivation necessary to complete high school and to enter and succeed in college." Indeed, what better way to encourage poor children to pursue academia than to let them know they are no longer welcome among the expensively manicured lawns of our private University? "Shush, dear, and wipe the dirt from your face. A mostly vocational school is a better option for you. SUNY Canton's Mortuary Science program is one of the better ones. And being poor, don't you deserve a career among the dead?"

The classist implications of the decision are clear. Rather than allow disenfranchised children to feel comfortable (for a few weeks each summer) at a private university, SLU decided to exorcise the entire program. Rather increase the likelihood that poor children would have the academic skills as well as the "audacity of hope" to apply to a private University, SLU has decided to relegate the waifs to the confines of an underfunded state school.

Rather than buck up the pittance required to run the Upward Bound program, what has our proud University spent its money on? Allow me to provide a few short examples:

First, the new Student Center-- $15 million and 60,000 square feet. The structure will remain unnamed until a donor provides $7.5 million, half the building cost. [I hope that one of my homophobic and functionally illiterate detractors (who can be found here and more recently here) gets his rich daddy to donate the money. I'd love to see the "Christian Evangelist is a Big Fucking Fag and Needs to Take It Up the Ass Student Center."--CE. In one of our rare points of agreement, I'd like to see that, too.--Ed.]

In the past few years, the SLU Board of Trustees has pledged $2 million as part of the Canton Initiative. The purpose of this initiative is to provide money for such projects of laughing importance as the Heritage Grist Mill Association. Money has also been pledged to "[n]ew parking and plans for expansion of parking" within Canton. Those last monies invoke the question-- in a town that requires barely fifteen minutes to walk from end to end, when has parking in downtown Canton ever been a problem?

As part of the same initiative, SLU has been more than happy to throw free money (and your tutition dollars) at for-profit businesses such as:

--The Partridge Den: the Canton home of overpriced bagels.
--Hackett's: A sporting goods store whose owners run very profitable franchises in both Ogdensburg and Massena.
--Shear Designs: A beauty salon for the terminally ugly and soulless.
--The Glass Onion: An establishment where faculty, administrators and rich students alike can get drunk without the company of the fearsome Canton "townies."

While terminating a program that encourages higher education for poor kids, SLU simultaneously gives mass amounts of money to those who would exploit the labor of those childrens' parents. It is heartening to know that SLU chooses to perpetuate the old adage-- the rich get richer while the poor get poorer.

Faculty Spotlight-- Steve Horwitz

Name: Steve Horwitz
Department: Economics
Title: Professor of Economics, Associate Dean of the First Year
Why Mike Owen and John Jaunzems Should Look Up to Him: After only fifteen years here, Horwitz is a full professor.
On Second Thought, Why No One Should Look Up to Him: His Rush fan page.
Description of Rush, Unintentionally Funny: "This is a band that plays rock that demands to be taken seriously."
Description of Rush, Childlike in Its Innocence: "They do indeed touch the heart."
Description of Rush, Slightly Erotic: "When Geddy sings (in 'Presentation'): 'Just think what we might do,' it sums up everything that 'touches' me about their music."
Description of Rush, Celebratory Sign-Off: "The love-in shall continue!"
Fun Fact About Horwitz: He has never read Norman Finkelstein's work, yet maintains it is anti-Semitic.
Bonus Fact: He will accuse you of being anti-Semitic at the drop of a hat. For example, if you're concerned about the neo-fascist impulses of the SLU Republicans, he'll probably call you anti-Semitic.
Extra Bonus Fact: He once referred to TBOC! contributor Christian Evangelist as a "narcissist."
Why Christian Evangelist Is Upset By This (unfortunately, in Christian's own words): "Horwtiz does not understand the Greek mythology he chose to employ. I am not in love with myself, as was Narcissus. Rather, I adore the online creation known as 'Christian Evangelist,' an arrogant grammarian and general know-it-all. If Horwitz bothered to read anything besides self-aggrandizing Libertarian tracts about the glory of the 'free market' (the market being 'free' only for capital and not for labor, a fact the Greek-ignorant Horwitz chooses to ignore) he would have properly invoked Pygmalion."
[Editor's Note: Why did we bother writing this? It's impossible to satirize a man whose Rush fan page is a parody of itself. We could have just linked to that and saved ourselves half an hour.]

Faculty Spotlight-- Mike Owen

[This past summer, Take Back Our Campus published a number of Faculty Spotlights that we felt received too little attention. We are now reposting them. Gladly, we are newly accepting nominations for members of the faculty and administration who deserve his/her own Faculty Spotlight. Please e-mail us with gossip and reasons at takebackourcampus@yahoo.com.]

Name: Michael Owen
Department: Geology
Likes: Rocks, racial separation, governments controlled by white minorities, soil samples.
Dislikes: Leftists, most things that aren't rocks or white people.
Hobby: Staunchly defending the white race.
Other Notable Features: Hasn't published anything since the late 1980s. Consequentially, has yet to become a full professor after 21 years at SLU.
Best Moment: During a faculty meeting in the 1980s, SLU Professors voted to divest the University's holdings from the racist regime of South Africa. Dr. Owen rose and gave an impassioned speech against the anti-apartheid movement.
Why He Made the Spotlight: It's not like racism is a controversial issue. Most people are opposed to a legalized racial hierarchy. That's why TBOC is proud to spotlight those who, for some reason, aren't.
[Editor's note: It's good that Black people know geology is for virgins and losers-- otherwise they might have to take a class with Michael "Don't Criticize Apartheid" Owen.]

Contact Information:
Office: Brown 148
Office Phone: 229-5975
E-mail: mowen@stlawu.edu.

We Get Letters! We Get Lots and Lots of Letters!

To all our kind readers—
We recently received a letter (via e-mail at takebackourcampus@yahoo.com) that was simply too humorous not to print. The epistle was from the wonderfully named J.J. Hearty, a boy with some strong opinions whose rather Dickensian surname attests to his large amount of cardiac rather than cranial muscle.

Dear waste of space on the internet,
Exactly why are you trying to take back this campus? It does not belong to you. This college has long stood as a pillar/beacon of education success for rich kids. If you want to leave so bad i will have my father write you a check to where ever you want to go. Why dont you stop wasting your time on your stupid internet sight and go get a job. I voted for bush in 04, i will remain conservative for the rest of my life, and am proud to say that those people that say money is the root of all evil don't have any. I am appalled that i am not on your internet site.
Sincerely,
J.J. Hearty

It never ceases to astonish me that the favored sons of America cannot speak or write a recognizable and correct form of English. “Education” is easily conjugated into its adjectival form with the simple addition of “al.” Similarly, “bad” can be made into a correct adverb if it is accompanied by “ly.” Hearty’s sporadic capitalization and lack of apostrophes and hyphenation will go unmentioned, except in my previous clause. I will recommend that he add a question mark to his interrogative sentences, such as “Why dont (sic) you stop wasting your time on your stupid internet (sic) sight (sic) and go get a job. (sic)”

As a grammarian, I disagree with Hearty’s statement “those people that say money is the root of all evil don’t have any.” Hearty’s sentence clearly implies (as the pronoun “any” refers to his noun “evil”) that “those people that (sic) say money is the root of all evil” don’t “have” any “evil.” The exact metaphysics of the sentence (that any person could “have” “evil”) make my head spin. Can a person “have” “evil”? As a diligent student (though not adherent) of the (sometimes conflicting) works of Kant and Hegel, I still have trouble making any construction of a human “hav[ing]” “evil.” For a better discussion than I can provide, I recommend Peter Singer’s latest book, The President of Good and Evil, the introduction to which goes into detail about President Bush’s use of “evil” as a noun rather than an adjective.

However, even sans the language needed to construct a coherent sentence, I still understand the intended meaning of Hearty’s sentence. If my interpretation is correct, I must inform him that even people without money are still people. He should employ the nominative “who” rather than the objective “that.” Hearty, with the predictable callousness of his class, probably disagrees with me.

But my favorite part of the letter was the "pillar/beacon of education (sic) success" conundrum. Hearty, with his hearty amounts of privilege and (almost certainly) private schooling, could not choose which awful cliche he wanted to use. Ignoring redundancy, he decided to use them both.

J.J. Hearty, be "appalled" no more. Both your missive and your hatred of the lower classes have found their way into the hallowed letters of Take Back Our Campus. Please write again soon.

Take Back the Night? First Take Back the WRC

The evening of Saturday, December 4, a Take Back the Night rally sponsored by the Women's Resource Center is scheduled on the SLU campus. Strangely, the event will feature a banner made by the massively homophobic and anti-abortion (as anyone privy to their list-serv knows) MASV ("Men Against Sexual Violence"-- a bold stand for those young Christian knights. Perhaps they could next be convinced to condemn child abuse or something equally controversial).

The march after the event will feature chanting around campus. However, the groups will not approach any fraternity houses or even bars, both sites of likely sexually assault. Why? The party-loving co-eds of the Women's Resource Center wanted to keep the event "non-political." Indeed, the rally neglects (well, worse than "neglects"-- see below) that the right to abortion/privacy should be counted among the rights afforded to women.

The Women's Resource Center rejected a speaker for the event, declaring her "too political." The speaker, an employee of Planned Parenthood, wanted only to briefly lecture on reproductive rights in light of the younger Bush's reelection. (Or perhaps his first election.)

When we first wrote about this, many WRC "feminists" were extremely upset. For any readers new to the issue, we can gladly provide the following links to our articles tracking the controversy:

Women's Resource Center? Define "Resource"

Recent Challenge to Reproductive Rights

A Reply to My Critics-- Part I

A Reply to My Critics-- Part II-- When Did Feminism Become "Politically Neutral"?

We encourage all our readers to attend the rally and remind the ladies of the Women's Resource Center that the lack of abortion rights (to use our more accurate term, "forced pregnancy") is a brutal form of sexual violence featuring a 6-9 pound object being forced out of a woman's vagina without her consent, indeed a very bloody act.

Wear your "Roe v. Wade" shirts, make signs reading "Forced Pregnancy = Sexual Violence" and do whatever you might to make the rally attendants understand that the right to abortion is an integral part of the continued campaign against sexual violence. It is sad that the students of the Women's Resource Center, ostensibly the SLU home of feminist politics, so deeply kowtow to the religious Right.

After this, our dear readers, please march and chant around the frats and bars.

Update (12/4/04, 1:15 p.m.)--
Dear radicalfeminist--

Have I mentioned how ironic your name is? I laugh every time I see it.

By listing off the "accomplishments" of the WRC, you've made my point for me. The whole of the WRC's contribution to campus has been to take the money they were given by the administration and give this money to people who wanted to go to Massachusetts and Washington.

You mention these trips regarding my "criticism that the WRC does not support education of abortion" (your clunky words). Quite the contrary. The WRC has always been willing to involve itself in the issue of reproductive rights, especially when the involvement features free vacations to Massachusetts and Washington.

I appreciate that the WRC is "working against an unreceptive community." (Listen, toots-- if you think you have it tough, try having the administration hold secret meetings to uncover your identity so they can expel you.) But I have yet to see any attempts "to educate the campus on a number of issues," unless you count WRC "Lock'n'Loads" and "White Trash" themed parties as education. Even your Take Back the Night programming panders to the lowest common denominator of the religious Right.

Speaking of which, MASV is donating a banner to the Take Back the Night rally. Did you have to assure them you wouldn't mention anything about abortion? The fact that the WRC does not consider forced pregnancy to be sexual violence and backs away from any (even potential) controversy about reproductive rights suggests that you ladies would play very nicely with the contrite little virgins of MASV. Maybe the two groups can have a dance together and then go steady and exchange class rings and kiss on the lips without any tongue. And if any controversy does arise, you can always bury yourself in your boyfriend's letter jacket.

Call me when you learn what it means to be a feminist.
--CE

Porn Gets Progressive

As a young man, the (extremely pale, though not thin-lipped) online persona known as "Christian Evangelist" didn't know absolutely everything about anything, as he now does. At the tender age of nineteen, when he began a romance with a Trinidadian model, he was confronted with a rather difficult question-- How should a man kiss a woman whose lips are bigger than his?

At first, he looked to his regular source of all proper information about politics, religion, economics, literature, etc.-- hardcore pornography. However, with the exception of a few Max Hardcore scenes (which he found baffling at best), he remained bewildered. However, the young Christian Evangelist quickly learned to love the feeling of submission in having his lips and tongue virtually swallowed by a woman's kiss, but only after a few flusters. Luckily, this unbecoming behavior will never have to be suffered by any man (and hopefully, suffered even less by his patient Caribbean girlfriend).

The adult film star Vanessa Blue (featured in the above picture and known in her directorial roles as Domina X) has recently signed a contract with Hustler to produce a series of videos featuring starlets such as Jada Fire, Chloe Black and Carmen Hayes.

The aim of the videos (as well as Vanessa Blue's web site, FemDomX.com)? "[C]reating a destination for an audience appreciative of the sexually aggressive ethinic female," according to the Adult Video News.

"I'm interested in videos where a woman-- real women with curves and big breasts-- can show what she's going to do with a dick.... What I strive to do when I direct is to empower the female performers in my scenes to take control and do what turns them on," Blue said in an interview with the Adult Industry News.

"As a performer turned director," Blue stated to the Adult Video News. "I believe in shooting the sex that was never allowed to have on camera-- female superior."

We at Take Back Our Campus enjoy that some bold persons are still willing to practice the sin of Lilith. We are charmed and made hopeful by the on-screen depictions of Afro-Caribbean, Latina and Asian women sexually dominating White men. We hope much success for Ms. Blue in her endeavors.