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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

SLU Dems announce merger with SLU GOP

CANTON, NY -- In an unforeseen turn of events, the SLU Democrats have announced that they will be merging with the SLU GOP. SLU Dems president Katherine Byrne could not be reached for comment, but VP Christine Ranney announced the merger yesterday, stating, "The political climate of our nation is one of division and conflict. For the good of our country, and our campus, it is only right that we acknowledge the fact that we have more in common with our brothers and sisters on the other side of the aisle than we have differences. Because of this, we are proud to announce that the SLU Democrats are uniting with the SLU Republicans."

Reactions have been mixed. One SLU student told a TBOC! correspondent, "I never saw a huge difference between the groups. I mean after 9/11, most of the SLU Dems were supportive of a war. But I guess I didn't exactly see this coming." Another student reiterated this, saying, "Given their position on issues like the war or affirmative action, I guess this stuff now sort of makes sense. I'm still a little confused, though." Other students, however, seemed less surprised. Jill Bailey '06 said of the unification, "Should we be shocked or something? What I want to know is, will this affect the steady supply of shitty bottle openers the SLU Republicans always hand out whenever they table?" Likewise, Jason Stuart '07 told our correspondent, "So, are you guys gonna give me that bag of coke cut with heroin and speed now, or what?"

Ranney further noted yesterday that, "Our major differences have always been with political candidates. I mean, sure, Bush is an idiot, and we would have preferred Kerry. But they were both in Skull and Bones, both Yale graduates, both from the extreme upper-elite of the country, both in favor of the war, and both against gay marriage ... so I guess we didn't make out all that badly. And it just goes to show, again, how much we have in common."

Some, though, are questioning just what the ramifications of this event will be when it comes to the political climate at SLU. While most speculate that the merger won't make much of a difference, others are not so sure. SLU associate professor John Jaunzems, who we reached at his Baker St. home, told TBOC!, "Not even Sherlock Holmes himself would be able to deduce what will happen next."

As one student said, "I mean Sears just bought K-Mart, and they used to be enemies. But in the end, you know, they were basically the same. And now I can use my Sears card to buy all that Big K stuff I always liked. I guess what I'm saying is, the more these groups get the same, the better the quality of life will be for all SLU students."

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