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Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Rebels Among Us

[What follows is an email communique we received this morning from one SLU student.]

A Report from our Special Correspondent – the Roving Reporter.

Live from Appleton. 17th May, 2004.

As if coke usage wasn’t a big enough problem for SLU GOP, the SLU Republican member and Thelmo President (via a Saddam Hussein style-referendum) Adam Hussein was today severely reprimanded by Canton PD, as well as the Security. He was nabbed for promoting and engaging in underage drinking in the parking lot of the Appleton arena. The event, initially, was described by him as an orgasmic experience, designed for the sole purpose of making hard liquor more accessible to the underage drinkers. If sources are to be believed, he even tried to get some underage high school girls drunk. Tsk-tsk, Mr. President. But that part of the story remains yet to be confirmed. Keep watching FOX News for hourly updates as we get more information on this tense situation.

He repeatedly mentioned that “concealed booze in public places” is his specialty. Among other creative ideas President Adam Hussein promoted the use of dark colored (think Pink) nalgene bottles – but that is not all, kids (take notes from our favorite alcoholic): he also used old sprite bottles to fill it up with liquor. How dare he use Coke products while the top-level administration sells the campus to Pepsi, Inc. – part by part. Apparently, hockey is sponsored by Pepsi too, now.

Apparently, Adam Hussein and co. got off from spending the night at the Canton jail when Snedy yelled, “Do you know who pays your salary?” At which point the cops bowed down and said, “Your father! O! my privileged white male.” He’s undoubtedly on bottom of the “tilted playing field”. We feel for you, Pete.

Yes, that’s exactly the attitude, Pete and Adam. Let’s all drink together on your 21st birthdays, boys.

The rebel in Mr. Hussein got the better of him yet again when he couldn’t resist the temptation of yelling aloud, “Clarkson Sucks” during the national anthem, despite repeated pleas by the organizers to respect our nation. Apparently, he exists on a higher moral and social code and can disrespect the national anthem, if and when he sees fit.

Funny, how some people become Community Assistants. Dean Petty, hope you get a chance to talk about this over with our heroes, Adam and Peter, between your morning and evening naps in your curtain covered windows. Maybe, sometime before you tell some rape victim, “take a semester off.”

Oh, how about a J-Board hearing. How about an open hearings, Mr. Rance Davis, Dean of Multicultural Affairs? Why have they stuck you with these security duties down at SLU? Do you have a PhD in Diversity or Leadership? Just curious.

Did anyone notice Sport at the hockey game today? I thought I was the only one not wearing the white colors (going with the whole white-out theme of the night) until I looked at Sport, wearing a hideously ugly yellow shirt. Dolly Dolphin, on the other hand, was surprisingly dressed in white. I can’t wait to have a black-out game next year. Will GOPers wear black or is that color not considered good enough? Diversity rules.

Stay tuned for live web-cam shots of Adam Hussein coming this weekend right here from a sketchy corner at SLU.

- --Another TBOC Exclusive. We welcome the administration to act on the information provided above. Or would that mean they won’t be getting a check this year from Mr. Snedeker?

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