Lawsuit-free since 9/14/05

Friday, October 01, 2004

Some things never change

If there's one thing you can say about rich college conservatives, it's that they love their drugs, or in some cases expensive German-made sex toys, not that the two are by any means mutually exclusive. Probably their favorite, though, is that Lady of the Eighties. No, not Pat Benetar. Cocaine. Fortunately enough for the Colombian peripheral economy, it looks like some of your favorite SLURs are back at it again, with all the quick ducks into the bathroom and snorting of an NYSE stock broker. Sure, sure, they (see Thursday, May 06, 2004 entry at old TBOC!) say it's slander whenever we point this out, but remember: it's only slander if it's not true. Or, in the case of Fox News personalities, who are pathological liars, it's only slander if you know you're lying, and as such, they may not even know that they are.

Besides, we don't bring it up to mock them. We at TBOC! believe firmly that it is improper to mock someone for their addiction to and/or flirting with a Schedule 1 narcotic, except Rush Limbaugh. No, we bring this up merely out of ongoing concern for our conservative friends. Remember, it's never to late to get help; there's almost always room at Betty Ford. And if that doesn't work, then remember the ending of Requiem for a Dream.

But in all seriousness, can we fault them for it, really? The only reason all the hippies on campus buy weed instead of coke is because they can't quite afford the latter, although they may or may not be able to afford the expensive German-made sex toys. Regardless, we guess it's true, what the SLU Republicans--and every College Republicans chapter, for that matter--say: they're "the best party on campus!" So next time they've got a recruitment table set up, be sure to ask if you can get one of those nice tiny silver spoons for your keychain instead of those dumbass bottle openers (they don't really work anyway), and while you're there, don't forget to inquire: "Just exactly how much can I expect to candy-up my nose this semester?"

No matter what their response, you can rest assured the answer is "More than the President-select at Camp David."



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