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Monday, October 04, 2004

SLU Dean Suspected To Have Links With Al Qaeda

TBOC! Breaking News: October 4, 2004

Canton, NY – For St. Lawrence University students, life has not been as quiet as usual over the past few weeks, especially if they are frequent visitors of the Java Barn, a semi-nonalcoholic venue on campus which hires bands every Friday and Saturday night to provide students with free entertainment. In a story just now breaking, the changes appear to have begun as a result of the actions of St. Lawrence University Dean of Student Life, Marcia “Cissy” L. Petty. Upon attempting to return to the United States, she was stopped by the United States Border Patrol, now working under the Department of Homeland Security. An unidentified officer at the Ogdensburg border crossing has told us, “She tried to cross the border into the United States, but her name appeared on a ‘Entry Denied" list from the Department of Homeland Security. When this happens we have to detain and question the individual, which is exactly what we did” Upon further questioning, the anonymous officer informed us that her unexpected detainment was due to her “suspected ties to Al Qaeda.” When questioned, a spokesperson from the Deans Office, who requested to remain anonymous (Kathryn McCaffrey, director of the office of Co-Curricular Education and Programs), denied these accusations.

While most SLU students are unaware of the links between Petty and Al Qaeda, when they are told that Petty hates freedom, they have mixed responses. One SLUR, Carla Hunter, reacted as most SLURs might, "How could someone who loved shopping as much as Cissy hate freedom?" Another student, expressed enthusiasm for this new discovery saying he never realized “Petty’s hatred of freedom went deeper than just that of the freedom of students on campus!” Another student who wished to remain anonymous says he and his friends are not at all surprised by the news of her links with terrorism, and as it turns out some students have been calling their Dean “Bin Cissy Petty” for years. Still other students on campus were delighted with the prospect of her being finally caught at something that will, to many students delight, get her fired from her job at SLU.

However, some sources tell us her links with terrorism, and her supposed hatred of freedom, are not her only legal troubles; sources say she was also smuggling drugs. According to one witness who happened to be crossing the border at the same time, “Upon full-body search, Cissy was found with possession of a pearl necklace that contained a minor amount of cocaine.” One may inquire to know exactly *how* cocaine fits into the crevices of a pearl necklace, but it was learned that “Cissy manipulated this precious necklace in a way that convenienced her fix." Or, as another source told us, perhaps it wasn’t HER fix she was conveniencing. If you are a regular of TBOC!, or if you simply keep your eyes open around campus, you’ll find that cocaine is the drug of choice among SLU Republicans (SLURS).

So the question on any good reporters mind is, after being stopped by border patrol as having suspected ties with Al Qaeda, and having been found possessing relatively large quantities of cocaine, just how did she return to campus after only a few hours in custody. It appears that after lengthy interrogation, she was allowed to cross the border, a free woman. Though the story is bit foggy, it appears as if a small bribe was paid to each officer on duty at the border crossing. Allegedly this bribe was paid from Student Life Petty Cash fund, apparently the not-so-bright Dean thought “Petty Cash” was hers to spend as she pleased.

Now you must ask, what does this all have to do with the Java Barn? And that would be a good question. Students have informed me that over the last few weekends security (and occasionally Petty herself) have been frequenting Java and shutting them down early in the night. While they have clearly been looking for excuses to do this for years, it appears as if Petty blamed Java (and not the SLURS) for her own episode with the cocaine! Her version of the story has much in common with the U.S. governments story of what truly happened on 9/11, in-so-far as it is blurry, full of holes, and one giant lie. Though many Java frequenters have experienced frustration with the heightened security at their place of residence and entertainment, most say it is well worth it in hopes they will, at months end, see Petty behind bars.

Student spirits are high at the prospect of seeing the rapid downfall of Petty spread to the rest of the administration. Just this hour reports have been coming in that there is movement within the 10th Mountain Division of Fort Drum. These troops, recently home from battling evil in Afghanistan, may be moving in to root out the forces of evil lurking in every corner of the St. Lawrence University administration. We have been granted permission to have one TBOC! correspondent "embedded" with the 10th mountain division for the entirety of Operation SLU, so more reports are expected soon. As a final note, a Fort Drum Official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, spoke of the axis of evil, “We found them in Afghanistan, we will find them in Canton. Whatever it takes, we will smoke them out of their holes.”

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